Perspective

I was not a huge fan of being pregnant.  Parts of it weren't bad and some were even enjoyable, but I didn't love it like some strange people do.  I had many unpleasant pregnancy symptoms throughout the 40+ weeks that I was glad to get rid of... if I knew then, what I know now, I would GLADLY have remained pregnant indefinitely if it meant not having to deal with a portion of what we have been dealt.  Things aren't going so well... we know, you are sick of hearing that.  What do people want, they want a positive response to the question, "how are you?", or God forbid, to the question, "How is Asher, is he better?".  I HATE THOSE QUESTIONS.  HATE THEM.  I realize most people are asking out of genuine concern, some asking out of nosiness/curiosity, and some just to be polite.  We aren't well.  That's the truth, and I'm sick of lying or trying to sugar-coat it, or trying to justify why things aren't good.

Health-wise, Asher is doing "well".  He is "thriving"... but we are still struggling with so many other things.  Ross and I have taken such a beating spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and even physically, it's hard to believe that we will ever be restored to overcome it.  Asher had his 4 month appointment a few weeks back.  He measured 16 pounds and 4 ounces and 25 inches long.  He has grown immensely since birth.  He is still teething, and although we can see/feel many teeth, nothing has popped through yet.  He still has a nasty eating aversion that is worse than ever.  We are doing pretty much everything the OT said not to do when feeding him, because it's the ONLY thing that works (I say this after trying and trying and trying what she suggested, only to fail miserably with most of it).  Trying to make her way work and causing 45 minutes of SCREAMING and arching and thrashing doesn't seem worth it to me... if I knew it were a means to an end, by all means, I would do it... what I do know is that this kid HATES the bottle, and hates/fears every feeding, so I don't have to be an OT to know that FORCING him to do something he hates is what got him/us in to this mess, so continuing to do that is only going to reinforce that behavior and make it way way worse (which it has).  We are done with the forcing.  If he needs blaring white noise to distract him/calm him enough to eat, that's what we are doing... if he needs the pacifier switched out multiple times with the bottle to calm him enough to eat a half an ounce here and an ounce there, so be it.  THAT, is what works, so that is what we do.  The OT suggested "calming strategies", telling us to only do ONE thing at a time (pacifier OR rocking OR shushing/music OR swaying), and to do it for 5 minutes.  Nice theory for some kids I'm sure... TOTALLY doesn't work with a VERY temperamental and persistent baby though... it actually makes it way way worse, because he gets SUPER pissed then, defeating the purpose of the calming.

Feedings are still a nightmare and total chore, but with our recent no-cry approach, they are getting a tad more tolerable, as we are allowing Asher to lead them.  If he needs to rock with the pacifier for 5 minutes between ounces, that's what we do.  What we are being very careful to do now is NOT force him when it comes to eating.  We still try very hard to get him to eat as evidenced by his growth, but we take NO for an answer, and we gently try and try, but then when he's done, we are done, even if it's only 2 ounces later.  Forcing him to do something he didn't want to is what caused this when he was having pain from reflux.  We are done forcing when it comes to feeding.

His sleep has been horrible lately... he has hit the 4 month mark where some babies regress in their sleep, and of course, he did too.  He has been consistently waking every 1-1.5 hours through the night and napping for only 15-20 minutes at a time unless we hold him the WHOLE time and work very hard to put him back to sleep every few minutes he woke up.  We recently started a variation of sleep training at night, and he seems to be doing well with it so far.  A formula fed baby his age/weight should only need to eat 1-2 times max during the night, but he had a sleep association with eating, so he thought he had to eat every 1-1.5 hours that he would wake up... at first we tried, but then he would eat an ounce and go back to sleep.  With the reflux, he can't tolerate big bottles, so it causes him to have smaller and more frequent feedings.  We then stopped offering the bottle with every night waking and only giving him the bottle every few hours, and just putting him right back to sleep when he would wake (which usually works OK, but still means we are all up every hour or two, every night).  He is slowly learning to quiet in his crib and re-adjust to go to sleep.  Naps are still absolutely awful and we are fighting with him on that...  He started rolling over at 3 months, and immediately got very good at it, and does it all the time now, almost instantly when you put him down.  We transitioned him from his sleeper to the crib and found him on his belly face down like the 2nd time he slept in there which TERRIFIED me.  We decided to buy a video monitor which is ridiculously convenient and so reassuring to be able to see him and see him breathing when he is face down.  He rolls over to his belly immediately as soon as we place him in the crib drowsy.  EVERY TIME.  He loves to sleep on his stomach, and will only sleep in that position no matter how many times he is rolled over.  It's pretty cute because sometimes he pulls up to his knees so his little bottom is up in the air when he sleeps  :)

I have been reading a lot about temperament and am more convinced than ever that this is just how God made Asher... it's how he is, and it's got nothing to do with us or how we parent him.  There is nothing "wrong" with him, and nothing "wrong" with what we are doing.  It's insulting and infuriating when people (friends, family, strangers, anyone!) say, "why don't you just (fill in the blank) with him?  Maybe if you (fill in the blank) he wouldn't be like that."  NO.  NO.  NO.  He is like that because that is his personality and temperament.  He is insanely sensitive and gets ridiculously over-stimulated very very easily... not because we have "sheltered" him, because that is how he is.  He has literally been like that since the instant he was born.  The SECOND he was pulled out of my body in the operating room he was SCREAMING bloody murder.  The doctors and nurses joked about it, but when he was in recovery with Ross and still wailing and only stopping to breathe 30 minutes after birth (I could hear him from the operating room where I was), the doctors were a bit shocked.  2.5 hours later, Asher stopped crying.  He has been sensitive and temperamental since the instant he entered the world, and we are OK with it, we just have to parent him accordingly... which means NOT taking him all over the place and not having people over all of the time... no, having him around people all of the time won't help, forcing him to be over-stimulated to try to desensitize him won't work, because it's in his temperament to be that way.  It actually makes him worse.  We understand that and understand him more now, we just hope that people will respect that we know what is best for him and not assume that it is a problem that needs a solution.  

This is from The Baby Sleep Site where we have gotten TONS of help lately:

http://www.babysleepsite.com/temperament/baby-temperament-sleep-series-part-1/

"Temperament is how your child naturally reacts to situations and stimuli, her mood, her ability to calm herself and how active she is. It is said that researchers have found that temperament is biological, meaning your child comes out of the womb this way. This means that from day 1, the way YOUR baby reacts to being wet, hungry, tired, etc. may not be like your friend’s baby. Yours might be low-key and not get very upset or your baby may scream loudly. You are not making it up that your baby might not be “laid back”. You might wonder what you did or didn’t do to cause this. I remember one parent saying her husband thought her post partum depression after the birth of their son caused their baby to not sleep well. What a burden! Let me assure you, I did not have post partum depression, was not depressed during pregnancy, or anything close to that and my son had a lot of sleep problems! You have no control over your baby’s temperament. You can only “blame” your genetics and they are still figuring out how it is all intertwined.

One thing that is important for you to know, though, is that you can get to know your child’s temperament and be able to predict how he will react to certain things and you can set him up for success. If you know your child has trouble with transitions, for example, you will be able to help him with those (I will get more into that throughout the series). The best part of this is that you can reduce some of the stress once you KNOW your child’s temperament because you won’t constantly be trying to figure out why he is reacting a certain way. Most of all, you should know that just because he is born this way does not mean that what you do does not matter. You will be able to emphasize his strengths, help him understand his own temperament, and help him learn how to handle his own reactions as he grows up. As Raising Your Spirited Child states, “By adapting your parenting techniques to fit his temperament and his style, and teaching him the skills he needs, you help him to live cooperatively with others and to be all that he can be.” To attempt to make him ignore his temperamental traits is not only very difficult, it teaches him to not be himself."

The site goes on to reference the same book in regards to traits of temperament, most of which Asher is at the extreme end of the spectrum on: Intensity, Persistence, Sensitivity, Perceptiveness, Adaptability, Regularity, Energy, First Reaction, and Mood.  It makes SO much sense now that we understand it, and understand him... and we are parenting accordingly.  Oh, our sweet little Asher.  He is a handful and we are overwhelmed with life beyond what words can express... but we adore him more than anything.  He is smiling more regularly which is fun... he is still not generous with smiles, but they are an everyday occurrence for the most part.  He has laughed, FINALLY... again, it's not often, but so so sweet when it doesn't happen.

I LOVE this song... she and her husband wrote it about their first child.  It makes me smile every time I listen to it, and now I sing it to Asher  :)